Blogging seems perfect for my needs right now, none of you know me and I fear that I no longer know myself as well as I would like to. Firstly I had no idea that I wanted to find someone new, and I am totally blindsided by having a crush (actually two very different crushes), I feel like I am in third grade again. This is not what I thought would happen the moment I found myself single. Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no desire to be in another relationship that is serious at all, I just want to be footloose and fancy free for a while. I want to be accountable to no one but myself, and since I became single (not exactly by choice) I have felt a weight lifting gradually. First the lightening was masked by the heaviness of sadness over such a large chapter in my life ending abruptly, but not unexpectedly. Now I am beginning to understand how much I have been longing for freedom recently but denying it to myself. In my previous relationship I made myself weaker, transformed myself from independent to needy and codependent. I am not either of those things, by nature I am independent and even slightly aloof, preferring to be picky about whom I choose to get close to rather than clamoring for friends at any cost.
Honestly, on the crush front I am beginning to think that more than being interested in them I am interested in me and how I am going to be now that this change has occurred. I have a crush on myself, I am so intrigued by who I feel myself becoming that I have fooled myself into directing that energy at other people who I would probably be attracted to but not quite as into as I am feeling now. This thought is so encouraging. I hope that during this emotional growth spurt I can do several things: find how to display my confidence without cheapening it or others, preserve my self respect above other things, regain that burning motivation that I so need to rekindle, pick up more books, start drawing again (maybe even painting!), strengthen my relationships with others and most importantly improve the relationship I have with myself. Kind of an ambitious list, but really why wait?
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