Wednesday, May 19, 2010
everywhere you look is the other side
Yesterday was the long run, the hour and twenty minute almost ten mile run. By the end my knee was throbbing, which is scary because I have never had knee issues, at least not from running, I guess that I had to take two weeks off skiing two seasons ago because I think I have a meniscus issue but running has never bothered it for more than an hour or so before. Anyway, not good. especially with a 10 mile trail race coming up on saturday. My plan is to ride the bike today and tomorow and then reevaluate on friday on a short run and decide then if I can do the race or not. I think I will be able to but we will see I guess!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Please remember me, happily
Megan wants to run the 21 for our 21st, I am so excited for that run. Its just a matter of not thinking, about the distance or the training or any of that. Six months and thirteen days. I am planning on getting a bracelet with all my information and addresses and some contacts and such on it, along with a hydration belt, which will be pretty necessary for a 21 miler. Thats really all for today, just getting excited to have goals and emailing old coaches for advice on training!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
My mind runs...
I can't even catch it with a head start.
So far there hasn't been much adventuring on this blog yet, other than the kind that involves breakin' up. But there will be, don't be discouraged.
My goals for this summer are to train for running actual races (I know! train! how novel) including a 12 mile trail run, a half marathon in Missoula and hopefully peak in time to run 21 miles on my 21st birthday November 13th.
I would also like to find a good mountain bike series to race in, just for fun to track how I improve over the season and have some goals to become a better rider.
I want this summer to be memorable and I have grand plans as far as being outdoors is concerned, I want to summit a mountain with Brie, do a lot of day hiking, gardening, running, biking and maybe even some water adventures! Like fly fishing with Rochell. I really want to learn to fly fish, it seems like a great way to spend a day in the woods.
Actually I wouldn't mind going for a long long run right about now. Like run until I am so tired I have to crawl back. Yeah, that's pretty much my coping mechanism for stress, run myself into exhaustion and then study myself silly. I really needed my run today but couldn't bring myself to go out into the driving snow (yes I know its April, its supposed to snow for the rest of the week). Dear Bozeman: please buy a calendar and realize that it is SPRING. Meaning sun, not snow. Your friend, vitamin D deprived.
So far there hasn't been much adventuring on this blog yet, other than the kind that involves breakin' up. But there will be, don't be discouraged.
My goals for this summer are to train for running actual races (I know! train! how novel) including a 12 mile trail run, a half marathon in Missoula and hopefully peak in time to run 21 miles on my 21st birthday November 13th.
I would also like to find a good mountain bike series to race in, just for fun to track how I improve over the season and have some goals to become a better rider.
I want this summer to be memorable and I have grand plans as far as being outdoors is concerned, I want to summit a mountain with Brie, do a lot of day hiking, gardening, running, biking and maybe even some water adventures! Like fly fishing with Rochell. I really want to learn to fly fish, it seems like a great way to spend a day in the woods.
Actually I wouldn't mind going for a long long run right about now. Like run until I am so tired I have to crawl back. Yeah, that's pretty much my coping mechanism for stress, run myself into exhaustion and then study myself silly. I really needed my run today but couldn't bring myself to go out into the driving snow (yes I know its April, its supposed to snow for the rest of the week). Dear Bozeman: please buy a calendar and realize that it is SPRING. Meaning sun, not snow. Your friend, vitamin D deprived.
Eyes wide open..
Today I am feeling impatient. Its snowing, yes I know its almost may but this is Montana and apparently no one gave the weather a calendar this year. It feels like december or october. I biked to school today with ski goggles, a neck gaiter and my winter work gloves on. And it was still miserable. I walked in the door looking like the abominable snow monster with hair everywhere sticking to everything and raccoon eyes from the 'water proof' mascara that usually works, apparently not made for unseasonal blizzards!
Then I went to work (work!!) at the delightfully colorful mexican place that I am just starting out at. Work is so excellent, I wouldn't care what I was doing right now as long as I am doing something! It just makes me feel so self sufficient, and also it pretty much feels like summer in that place even though outside the snow is caking everything in white. I just want to be back in the sunny dry weather where I could walk onto the back porch and sunbathe for a bit. Now I would get frostbite like nobody's business!
New development: I have this song stuck in my head, its by Classified and its one of the ex's favorites and I just cannot stop thinking about it. It is driving me crazy. I DO NOT want to go backwards and I don't know if I see a future for the two of us. FUCK. He doesn't understand me, he made that abundantly clear several times, including when he seemed to think that this breakup would destroy me. I am resilient if nothing else. This breakup would be one of smaller tragedies that I have lived through. I am a strong person, and therefore I don't feel the need to show off my strength. I am smart and strong in a real way, I am strong because I can feel my emotions and deal with them, I am stron because I have an inner confidence that I have not been letting shine lately. Which is WRONG. I am strong because I can allow myself to make mistakes, and then also have the integrity to fix them when I do make them. And he doesn't understand that, that is how I strive to live my life and he didn't see it. He didn't see my specialness or give it its due and that is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. Funny thing though, he was the one who suggested I blog. He didn't even know that diamonds are absolutely my least favorite gem. And that I won't wear jewelry that is so generically "I love you, here's this cookie-cutter fake diamond ring". Funny how something as trivial as jewelry show something so profound about your relationship with someone.
Going backwards might be comfortable but it isn't fair to either of us.
Then I went to work (work!!) at the delightfully colorful mexican place that I am just starting out at. Work is so excellent, I wouldn't care what I was doing right now as long as I am doing something! It just makes me feel so self sufficient, and also it pretty much feels like summer in that place even though outside the snow is caking everything in white. I just want to be back in the sunny dry weather where I could walk onto the back porch and sunbathe for a bit. Now I would get frostbite like nobody's business!
New development: I have this song stuck in my head, its by Classified and its one of the ex's favorites and I just cannot stop thinking about it. It is driving me crazy. I DO NOT want to go backwards and I don't know if I see a future for the two of us. FUCK. He doesn't understand me, he made that abundantly clear several times, including when he seemed to think that this breakup would destroy me. I am resilient if nothing else. This breakup would be one of smaller tragedies that I have lived through. I am a strong person, and therefore I don't feel the need to show off my strength. I am smart and strong in a real way, I am strong because I can feel my emotions and deal with them, I am stron because I have an inner confidence that I have not been letting shine lately. Which is WRONG. I am strong because I can allow myself to make mistakes, and then also have the integrity to fix them when I do make them. And he doesn't understand that, that is how I strive to live my life and he didn't see it. He didn't see my specialness or give it its due and that is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. Funny thing though, he was the one who suggested I blog. He didn't even know that diamonds are absolutely my least favorite gem. And that I won't wear jewelry that is so generically "I love you, here's this cookie-cutter fake diamond ring". Funny how something as trivial as jewelry show something so profound about your relationship with someone.
Going backwards might be comfortable but it isn't fair to either of us.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Hey boy...
Why you didn't call me?
Is not something I want to be thinking right now. I just don't want to go there for a while. I have to keep telling myself that I have been single for less than a week, though really I think that I checked out of that relationship a while back. At least I started to prepare myself and put up a wall between us. I don't want to be waiting again; waiting for a call, affection, something to do. I want to be able to provide all of those things for myself, I will do the calling, loving and doing. I believe this is called independence, but really its been a while since I've been a practicing independent!
Honestly, I should have known that it was over when I started looking around and saying "I love montana, or MANtana rather.". Which sounds terrible, but when we were really in love I didn't even glance at the most attractive boy twice. I am naturally a very monogamous person apparently. So there is a pact I am going to make with myself, I am not going to go running into anything that feels like a replacement. I can imagine about a million ways that could be a very bad idea, and it just sounds like less fun than not settling and truly enjoying myself! I am not going to fear loneliness so much that I will condemn myself to forever being with people who are just there, rather than finding something that is really meaningful. And if I can't find that I will have it with myself!
Is not something I want to be thinking right now. I just don't want to go there for a while. I have to keep telling myself that I have been single for less than a week, though really I think that I checked out of that relationship a while back. At least I started to prepare myself and put up a wall between us. I don't want to be waiting again; waiting for a call, affection, something to do. I want to be able to provide all of those things for myself, I will do the calling, loving and doing. I believe this is called independence, but really its been a while since I've been a practicing independent!
Honestly, I should have known that it was over when I started looking around and saying "I love montana, or MANtana rather.". Which sounds terrible, but when we were really in love I didn't even glance at the most attractive boy twice. I am naturally a very monogamous person apparently. So there is a pact I am going to make with myself, I am not going to go running into anything that feels like a replacement. I can imagine about a million ways that could be a very bad idea, and it just sounds like less fun than not settling and truly enjoying myself! I am not going to fear loneliness so much that I will condemn myself to forever being with people who are just there, rather than finding something that is really meaningful. And if I can't find that I will have it with myself!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Loves are like birds...
Blogging seems perfect for my needs right now, none of you know me and I fear that I no longer know myself as well as I would like to. Firstly I had no idea that I wanted to find someone new, and I am totally blindsided by having a crush (actually two very different crushes), I feel like I am in third grade again. This is not what I thought would happen the moment I found myself single. Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no desire to be in another relationship that is serious at all, I just want to be footloose and fancy free for a while. I want to be accountable to no one but myself, and since I became single (not exactly by choice) I have felt a weight lifting gradually. First the lightening was masked by the heaviness of sadness over such a large chapter in my life ending abruptly, but not unexpectedly. Now I am beginning to understand how much I have been longing for freedom recently but denying it to myself. In my previous relationship I made myself weaker, transformed myself from independent to needy and codependent. I am not either of those things, by nature I am independent and even slightly aloof, preferring to be picky about whom I choose to get close to rather than clamoring for friends at any cost.
Honestly, on the crush front I am beginning to think that more than being interested in them I am interested in me and how I am going to be now that this change has occurred. I have a crush on myself, I am so intrigued by who I feel myself becoming that I have fooled myself into directing that energy at other people who I would probably be attracted to but not quite as into as I am feeling now. This thought is so encouraging. I hope that during this emotional growth spurt I can do several things: find how to display my confidence without cheapening it or others, preserve my self respect above other things, regain that burning motivation that I so need to rekindle, pick up more books, start drawing again (maybe even painting!), strengthen my relationships with others and most importantly improve the relationship I have with myself. Kind of an ambitious list, but really why wait?
Honestly, on the crush front I am beginning to think that more than being interested in them I am interested in me and how I am going to be now that this change has occurred. I have a crush on myself, I am so intrigued by who I feel myself becoming that I have fooled myself into directing that energy at other people who I would probably be attracted to but not quite as into as I am feeling now. This thought is so encouraging. I hope that during this emotional growth spurt I can do several things: find how to display my confidence without cheapening it or others, preserve my self respect above other things, regain that burning motivation that I so need to rekindle, pick up more books, start drawing again (maybe even painting!), strengthen my relationships with others and most importantly improve the relationship I have with myself. Kind of an ambitious list, but really why wait?
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