Eyes wide open..

Today I am feeling impatient. Its snowing, yes I know its almost may but this is Montana and apparently no one gave the weather a calendar this year. It feels like december or october. I biked to school today with ski goggles, a neck gaiter and my winter work gloves on. And it was still miserable. I walked in the door looking like the abominable snow monster with hair everywhere sticking to everything and raccoon eyes from the 'water proof' mascara that usually works, apparently not made for unseasonal blizzards!
Then I went to work (work!!) at the delightfully colorful mexican place that I am just starting out at. Work is so excellent, I wouldn't care what I was doing right now as long as I am doing something! It just makes me feel so self sufficient, and also it pretty much feels like summer in that place even though outside the snow is caking everything in white. I just want to be back in the sunny dry weather where I could walk onto the back porch and sunbathe for a bit. Now I would get frostbite like nobody's business!
New development: I have this song stuck in my head, its by Classified and its one of the ex's favorites and I just cannot stop thinking about it. It is driving me crazy. I DO NOT want to go backwards and I don't know if I see a future for the two of us. FUCK. He doesn't understand me, he made that abundantly clear several times, including when he seemed to think that this breakup would destroy me. I am resilient if nothing else. This breakup would be one of smaller tragedies that I have lived through. I am a strong person, and therefore I don't feel the need to show off my strength. I am smart and strong in a real way, I am strong because I can feel my emotions and deal with them, I am stron because I have an inner confidence that I have not been letting shine lately. Which is WRONG. I am strong because I can allow myself to make mistakes, and then also have the integrity to fix them when I do make them. And he doesn't understand that, that is how I strive to live my life and he didn't see it. He didn't see my specialness or give it its due and that is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. Funny thing though, he was the one who suggested I blog. He didn't even know that diamonds are absolutely my least favorite gem. And that I won't wear jewelry that is so generically "I love you, here's this cookie-cutter fake diamond ring". Funny how something as trivial as jewelry show something so profound about your relationship with someone.
Going backwards might be comfortable but it isn't fair to either of us.